You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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