walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
