I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
