There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
