hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
