when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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