I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
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