Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
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