you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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