I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
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