my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize
