The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
