The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I'd cum for enchiladas.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
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