i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
