I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
