I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
