I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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