I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Randomize
