It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
