3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
zippers are such a cool invention
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
