it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
