Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We are all done wearing pants today
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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