I just pynch a tree in the face
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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