I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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