youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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