she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
