The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Randomize
