mondays should just be called national damage control day
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
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