Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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