At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
