Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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