Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
