I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
