Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
