i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I'm at about main and main street
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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