Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
