Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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