i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
Randomize
