my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
