i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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