we made out on top of his cat.
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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