He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize