you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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