If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
