I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Randomize
