I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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