but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
