My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Randomize
