Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
We're too hungover to prance.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
