I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
