last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
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