sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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