dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
