if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
