she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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