I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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