so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
