I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
