Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
