Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
