My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
