Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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