The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
