R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
